By Anne Williston
~ words meant for reality ~

Thomas Merton states that “in theory we are all free to stand back from the world, to judge it, and even to come to certain decisions about remaking it.” — Thomas Merton

Can we ever stand back completely? Our past compels so much of what we choose. As Fitzgerald states so succiently in the closing lines of The Great Gatsby (above), the current of time constantly pulls us back as we try to beat forward, to create something new of “nothing new under the sun.” (Ecc 1:9). My own struggle to make something new (poem: Judas Kiss) ends:

“Stillborn cadences betray me, / refrains silence into reverie; / forestalled voice /strangles into dream.”

Memory reshapes the past, remakes the conscious. My own memory seeps away daily. High School (which I mostly hated) is a blur. My decision to become a teacher was not prompted by the typical encounter with a fabulous teacher whose mentorship sent the young life into the world to become another teacher. I felt compelled into teaching as a result of my anti-teacher, empty memories. I can’t recall any teacher in the public schools that had an impact on my life. What I do remember are brief moments of life - dancing in the high school musicals, laughing with friends in choir. No prom, no steady boyfriend (alright, no boyfriend). Actually, to be precise, I clicked with a young man at the Junior/Senior banquet, a sop of an event, for those not going to Prom (in those days a date was required). Naturally, he was already going to Prom with someone else. She didn’t seem to mind when Jack and I bounced off onto the dance floor without her. She even expressed a wish that I was going to Prom with him, not her. Very strange. We spent the summer going places, having fun. Now, I suspect he was gay. But that’s another story.

So how does this past affect the now for me? I was not in the flow, the groove, the popular crowd. I couldn’t even fake anti-establishment. If anything, I was in such a fog of unawareness of myself that I floated through high school without ever touching anything or anyone. Well, maybe a few exceptions. But that’s the way memory works. We paint broad strokes when the details don’t fit the emotion of the moment.

So why, when I started working in a high school library (many years before my decision to be a teacher) did I feel like I was home? Why did the noncomformist, different selves that got placed in the library as student aides gravitate to me, returning so I could listen to them? I got warned not to get too involved in my students lives - it was ‘dangerous’ and invited lawsuit. I remember, when I had my second interview with the principal (after my 1st with the Librarian) being asked my future plans. I stuttered out an answer, but I really didn’t have any. Maybe marriage, maybe school, but I was on auto-pilot, really. I didn’t know what direction I wanted to go. Now, as my 20 year old daughter tells me life has nothing good to work towards, nothing that attracts or compels her to get a job or go to college, I want to shake her alive and press her to self-knowledge. Don’t waste NOW. Use the NOW so that it takes you where you want to go, because you will never be free of your past.

The practice of shunning or excommunication is often based on the verse in Matthew 18:15-20, which tells the Christian to go directly to another Christian and work it out if there is a disagreement or if it is thought that the other has done wrong.  The verse tells us to treat the person as a gentile and a tax collector, if the one who has sinned refuses to admit the sin or change.  The question is, do we treat the person as the pharisees treated gentiles and tax collectors or do we treat the person as Jesus treated gentiles and tax collectors?  All these years, I’ve been hearing the church say “shun” and my heart says “I can’t” because I know I am no better!  My own sins are silent witness to my lack of perfection.  How can I throw stones at the lack of perfection in others when shadows gauntly record the daily blunders I make, particularly in my efforts to love others?  As I researched this phrase, I discovered those who practiced shunning quoted the practice of the PHARASEES and religious Jews, who refused to eat with gentiles and tax collectors.  But, that was not Jesus’ habit - he selected a tax collector as one of his 12 disciples.  He ate with them and willingly spent time with them, because he was called to heal the sick — that is, those who knew they needed his healing touch to make them whole.  I discovered The Message translation says it this way:

If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.

Offer again God’s forgiving love…again, offer God’s forgiving love.  Again and again and again.

My room is organized (well, a good start). My class list is defined (40 students beginning tomorrow, Sept. 2, 2008). My words are reviewed in heart and in mind. It’s the beginning of the school year for Western Options, which brings to mind the idea of beginnings. Beginning over, starting again, fresh and clean. That is what I try to offer my students. While it is true that every individual must build upon the past in order to step into the future, some of the past needs to take a back seat for awhile, allowing the student a chance to be made new, as the title quote from Ep 4:23 suggests.

Newness is not wholeness, however. But it is part of the process of renewal - we make our selves new again, as we learn a new attitude of our minds - as we see the world through new eyes, as we take another look at ourselves and at others, not letting our thoughts and ideas get stuck in old thinking patterns, but by carving new paths in our brains.

While all on this earth is broken, it can be seen in a different way, framed with a fresh light or idea of the world that makes it regain some of what was once lost. We can all be made new. My students can be new in my eyes - and escape the prejudices of the past for a shiny, fresh place in the world. May it be so!!!